Carried Beneath My Heart
by SueofthePhoenixGate
Summary: The Inquisitor does not take Solas breaking up with her quietly and finds it has an unexpected result.
She felt….angry.

She debated returning to the castle. They would send out search parties if she wasn't back before dark. Perhaps if she found a scout, asked them to pass on a message, and vanished into the forest again they would leave her be.

Yes, she thought as she stared down at her marked hand, that was a good plan.

For the moment she sat in the forest and listened to the soft sounds around her. It had been some time since she had been allowed a moment to herself, and in the quiet hush of the river and the birds singing, she could afford to think that she missed it. The forest had always called to her. Even as a young child she would wander away from the clan, scaring her parents and cousins until she grew big enough that there was no worry of her falling prey to the dangers such wandering presented.

A soft sigh escaped her lips as she stood, a silent shadow among the trees, and left to find one of Leliana's scouts.

* * *

In the end Vhentorinth snuck back into her quarters for her gear. There was a nip in the air, and she wanted more than a few hours in the forest. To hell with the pile of letters on Josephine's desk and the reports from Leliana and Cullen. Corypheus was on the run, she could afford to take a day off.

Before she left the castle, she slipped into the rotunda. Solas wasn't there, though his things were, leaving the angry and aching kernel inside her to roil. She stood at the edges of the shadowed chamber and thought, where could he have gone? He usually slept there, atop the small platform he used when he was working on the fresco. He was not there now, she knew it in her heart.

Then she thought, where would he go so that he could dream of the Fade, and not be disturbed? And she knew what must be done.

She slipped from the chamber and back into the forest with none but a few of Leliana's people to see.

* * *

To find him, Tori did something she had shuddered to even think of when she had roamed with her clan. She entered the Fade through her dreams, of her own will, to find a spirit of wisdom.

It took some patience. She had only done this a few times after her arrival at Haven and her first discussions with Solas. Though she was fairly shaking with the need to shake the Fade world around her into giving her what she wanted, she knew that would only draw in demons.

Finally she found one. It was perched high in a library full of impossible angles and books crammed into every space. She had never seen so many books in one place and found herself staring, gaping in wonder. When she reverently pulled a tome from the shelf nearest her, however, she found it full of letters that moved and sentences that made no sense. That was to be expected, so she put the book back with some little regret.

The mark on her hand was not something she herself could see, but had been told by so many other people that it shone bright, like a beacon in the darkness. The spirit knew her before she approached it. It asked her many questions about the mark, to which she answered freely and to the best of her ability. In return it gave her directions to Solas' hiding place.

She debated seeking him out in the fade and confronting him there, deserting the idea as soon as she had it. In the Fade he would only run from her again.

When she woke the dark of the waning moon was thick around. She could just faintly see the air clouding with her breath.

* * *

Solas had found a small cave a few miles from Skyhold. It was deep in a thick nest of trees that grew so closely together that they formed an intimidating barrier. It took her some time to find the way in. Her heart nearly stopped every time she thought she put her foot wrong.

She slipped through the narrow opening between two of the trees and felt something sorrowful and hollow rise up in her. She choked on the sob before it could escape her, wiggling down into the cave.

Although she landed lightly she could not avoid noise altogether. Solas woke with a start, and in the darkness she heard him suck in a breath. He knew who she was.

"Inqui-" He started.

"Stop," she barked, the sound so pained she had to pause. She crouched, for the ceiling of the cave was low, and made her way to him. She reached out in the darkness and found his shoulder, felt him tense. He tried to speak again but her finger found his lips. "Vhenan," she whispered, her voice cold and hot at the same time. "If I ever meant anything to you, you will give me this one thing."

He said nothing though he relaxed at her words, waiting. Moving forward, the warmth of their bodies filling the small cave, she found his mouth.

* * *

She left the cave a few hours later, striking out into the forest as she had intended earlier. By the light of the waning moon she found a suitable spot to sleep for the night, her heart quiet.

In the morning she foraged for a small meal and struck out again. Fond memories of the forests of her home came back to her, until she could almost pretend that once she broke free of the trees and found the river, Lavellan avarels would greet her.

But alas, the riverbanks were empty, and sorrow slipped into her heart at the sight.

Near mid day she stumbled across the first scout. He was young, his ears human round, and he shyly relayed the message he had been sent with; Come back, you're driving Josie and Cullen into fits with our forces yet to return from the Arbor Wilds.

The young man was sent away with a sigh and a promise to return soon. She wandered just a little longer, taking in the rocky landscape and wondering when, or if, she would have a chance like this again.

With heavy feet she turned back towards Skyhold.

* * *

"My agents found no trace of Solas. He has simply vanished." Leliana kept speaking, but Vhentorinth was not paying all that much attention.

In the depths of her heart, she had suspected he would leave. He had no reason left to stay.

She debated telling the Inquisition's spymaster of her other suspicions, deciding against it in the end. Finally all of Leliana's lectures on keeping her expression schooled to hide her true intentions and emotions had taken root. She made her excuses and departed for her quarters. Perhaps the trauma to her body from the final fight with Corypheus had been too much. She didn't know how she wanted it to turn out either way and was afraid to look at her feelings head on.

No matter what, she would know in the next few weeks. In the meantime she had to plan as if she were going to keep the child.

* * *

She took herself off to Wycome to visit her clan, saying now that Corypheus was dead she had waited to see her family long enough. Since she had settled most of the disputes that reared in the face of Corypheus' defeat, they let her go with little fuss. Everyone was busy, there were no new rifts to close, so she was no longer absolutely necessary.

They insisted she took a personal guard with her. She chose the Chargers, knowing Bull would be able to keep her secret better than any of her other companions. His people would follow his example as they always did.

It took longer than she liked to reach Wycome and by then her clothes weren't fitting as well. The Chargers noticed, but they said nothing as she purchased new clothes and fussed with them when they camped.

One night, when they were within a day's ride of Wycome, she found herself alone with Bull by the fire. "Boss," he said.

"What is it?" She asked, sipping her tea. It reminded her that Solas hated the stuff. She had always loved it, though she had never known it could block one's connection to the Fade before meeting him. It was why she was drinking it now. She did not want Solas to spy on her in her dreams.

"I think you're gaining weight, boss." Bull was also sipping tea, the small travel cup looking tiny in his large hands.

She gave him a half-hearted glare, feeling the tips of her ears go red. "No, Bull, you aren't going to kill him."

"I wasn't going to kill him. Maybe get him drunk and tie him naked to a tree, but I wouldn't kill him."

"Ha," she muttered into her tea. "If we ever catch him, feel free." A hundred half angry thoughts flitted through her mind, finding herself perversely amused at the sight of Solas naked, stinking drunk and tied to a tree. "He can't know about this. It was his choice to leave, and there's no time for me to look after a child."

His eyes understanding, Bull nodded, his horns dipping. "Not to mention all the assassins. Red's gonna be pissed. You know she'll have spies all over the place."

"I know. I have a plan."

* * *

And so she did. Nearly nine months of flitting from one residence to the other in Wycome, using excuses, cleverly sewn clothes and the cover of darkness to disguise her condition. When the time came, she made some noise of departing the town, with the Chargers and her younger sister leaving in her stead to draw out the spies.

It worked, and she gave birth in a small room with a high window for light, aching for it to be done in the old way out in the forests of her home. It was not to be, and she wept.

Her older brother and his wife were there to comfort her and help care for the child. She would name her, stay for a few weeks to heal and feed her, and then she would leave. They had set it up so that everyone would think the girl was her brother's child. She would get some attention for being a Lavellan and one of the Inquisitor's clan but none would suspect she was _her_ daughter and that was what mattered most.

Her heart broke when it came time to leave. She caught up with the Chargers within a week, feeling dead and empty inside. It was better this way, she told herself. She was sure, with all Solas' advice to Sera about her Red Jennys, that he was off planning something. There was also the fact that he had helped stop Corypheus, like all of them had. Both of them would have a target painted on their backs for the rest of their lives, a child between them even more so. Worse, a child might be stolen and raised away, to be used against either one of them later. She wanted her child to have a good life and to be safe, even if it meant not being there to watch her grow up.

The night she found Bull and his Chargers she met them with red eyes and a demand that they find a rowdy tavern wherein she could figuratively drown herself. They obliged, though worry was in everyone's eyes. She drank too much, she cried, she screamed and hollered and after they were kicked out of the tavern she found a nice quiet place in the countryside where she could do some really big, destructive magical things. The Chargers gave her plenty of space, though when she entered camp they passed off as much water on her as they could. Her head was spinning as she crawled into bed.

She cursed Solas' name as she fell asleep and dreamed that she wandered through forests and deserts, all the landscapes they had traveled together, shouting his name. Her voice was equal parts grief and anger but there was no answer. Every rock and tree in the fade stood silently in the face of her verbal assault, echoing emptiness and giving her no response.

Once, just before she woke up, she thought she saw a wolf in the distance. He turned his nose up and howled, the sound lonely and haunting.

She woke already crying and thought that it might be a good idea to tear down the spires of ice she had built yesterday. It had been some time since she had wielded fire or swung her spirit blade.

Her plans were dashed when she tried to get up and vomited instead though her stomach was long empty. The Chargers never broke camp all day, nursing her through her hangover with laughs and lovingly told stories. Not for the first time, she found herself glad she had told Bull to call them to retreat, saving them from a violent death at the hands of the Venatori. She could not have done this without them.


End file.
